Mother's Day

Beloved son,

Your sister laughed today for the first time.   I laughed with her and now I cry for you.   Which tells you something about your mother.   Things aren't always easy for me.   

I hope that wherever your spirit is there is peace and joy for you.   

I pray that someday we will laugh together. 

Love,

Mommy 

Six months

To my beautiful boy,

We celebrate six months with your sister this weekend.  

People told me that it would get easier.  People were wrong.  

John Patrick Hayden Four

My beloved son,

This week we introduced your sister to solid foods.  It was so much fun to see her enjoy her food.

With each milestone that she achieves, I admit a mixture of joy and sadness.  Joy that she is doing so well despite her illnesses.  Sadness that you never had a chance to experience a moment that made you smile, the comfort of your daddy's arms, the pride in being able to flip yourself over onto your back.

I am so very, very sorry that your life was cut short.

John Patrick Hayden Three

Dear Johnny,

Mommy has been up since 3:00.    Grieving is a lot like having a new baby, I think.  It's exhausting and it's hard to think about other things.  

There are many kind people who want nothing more than to take my pain away.   I wish they understood that while I don't like being in pain, it's really the only connection I have with you.  

I know there are some people who are filled with faith, who know with every fiber in their beings that there is an afterlife with a benevolent deity awaiting us.  I wish I had that kind of faith.  Unfortunately, I don't.

There are days when I think I feel your presence.  Then I wonder if maybe it's just wishful thinking and sleep deprivation that I feel.  I wish I felt the unshakeable certainty that some do that we will meet some day.  I can't even say reunited.  I don't know that and doubt I ever will.

All I can do is say that there is not a moment that goes by that you aren't in my thoughts.

Love,

Mommy

Letters to John Patrick Hayden Morrigan Two

My dear little boy,

We miss you so very, very much.

I wake up in the middle of the night wishing that it was you that was keeping me up.  I wish that I had been able to hold your sleeping little body in my arms and comfort you.  I wish that I had been there to sing you to sleep as you left this world.

I wish you had heard my voice and daddy's telling you how very much we love you.

Daddy and I have begun to talk about what happened to you and to Maizy.  It's very hard to do, but we owe it to you.  You deserved better.

We did not know that you were going to be treated that way.  We should not ever have allowed you or your sister to be in the conditions that you were in.   I hope that you are able to forgive us.  I do not know that we will ever be able to forgive ourselves.

All my love,

Mommy-ji

John Patrick Hayden 10/11/14 - 10/21/14

[i carry your heart with me(i carry it in]

BY E. E. CUMMINGS

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in 

my heart)i am never without it(anywhere 

i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done 

by only me is your doing,my darling) 

                                                      i fear 

no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want 

no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true) 

and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant 

and whatever a sun will always sing is you 

here is the deepest secret nobody knows 

(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud 

and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows 

higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) 

and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart 

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)